


Mirrors Ch.4 - If You're Not the One

by imnotevil13



Series: Mirrors [5]
Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Air Force, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Songfic, Vineyard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-14
Updated: 2014-11-14
Packaged: 2018-02-25 07:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2613362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotevil13/pseuds/imnotevil13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And I breathe you, into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today.<br/>‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right.<br/>[Daniel Bedingfield – If You’re Not the One]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mirrors Ch.4 - If You're Not the One

**Author's Note:**

> Translated to 中文 by [UshioK](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ushioK) on [here](http://blog.udn.com/STtoME/20803712).

There was a big glass of beer on James’ hand when he sat at there eyeing Richard who swallowed his supper. They were sitting in a pub not far from a vine they had visited some minutes ago, where Richard did his work with some colleague from another vine, talk about wine, field and so on, but the main topic was still about business.

Thankfully though, he had torn off his gaze from Richard before the said man aware of his eyes. Made him glanced over the window watching people passed by on their heels or vehicle, and couldn’t help from staring at a woman who stood just over the road, grabbing an umbrella, protecting her from the cold-light-rain in the evening supported with her brown-black coat. 

“Got your eyes on someone, mate?” 

A single hum, “No, nothing,” he placed back his beer on the table and watched that woman again. 

Richard took a bite before following James’ stare, spotted a blond woman that he was sure the one that James had looking at, “She’s pretty, one of your friends?” 

“Nope, but she kind of remind me with someone.” 

“Oh,” another bite, “Mind you if I ask to share that memories with me?” 

“I’m sorry but I will pass,” he glance a second and caught Richard’s face from nothing to annoyed, something that made him a little wonder. 

“Okay then, it’s alright, sometimes it is hard for someone to talk about their ex,” he said, eyes back to his supper. But when he heard James scoffed, the brown head raised his face frowned, “What?” 

“I’m sorry mate, but it’s not like what you think. It’s about my sister.” 

“Sister?” 

“Little sister, yeah. I believe you don’t know that,” James smiled a little then grabbed his beer, took a single sip before continued, “I’ve had one before, just two years younger than me. But she left when I reach high school, made us to moved in here.” 

“And where did she go?” 

“A place, where she couldn’t came back anymore.” 

There’s a frown from Richard before he raised one of his eyebrow, “O, oh my God. Did you mean she was dead?” 

“Traffic accident, yeah.” 

“Oh my, James. I’m sorry about that,” He got a small smile from James before his mate’s blue eyes back to that woman again, “She will look like that if she still alive, that’s what you think, right? You’ve lost a lot of people mate, all literally was your family.” 

“ _Is_ my family.” 

“Right, sorry. I just, I just amazed on how you can handle all of that. I mean, look at me.” 

“Oh believe me, I’m not far from you Hammond.” James cleared his throat before shifting a little on that brown chair, eyes to Richard. “It’s true that in the past, I could handle about my sister and father’s death. Because I still had my mother. But when she died? It’s a different story. You’ve seen me before. We’re same. That’s why I left that house for years.” 

“Jeremy told me that you ever want to sell your house, but you didn’t.” 

“Well, I thought that as that house escape from my sight I can forget all of the things that ever happen at there. But then I realize that the house isn’t just save my family’s memories. It’s also save a lot of our three of us.” 

“Oh, you’re so romantic mate. I can’t believe you still single ‘til now.” 

That made this soldier laughed softly, “Woman just remind me of my little sister. Beside sometimes most of them are..., not right for me.” 

“You deserve better.” 

“I just need someone who can understand at each other with me.” He gulped his beer, “By the way, talking about single, I never heard about Richard Hammond’s lady either.” 

There’s a paused from Richard before he answered him. “Well, it seems that I have a reason just like yours.” 

“Some of them are not right for you?” Richard nodded which made his brow twitched a little, “How many times you had date a woman before?” 

“Twice.” 

“Twice?” he laughed, “You just date a woman twice and already made a conclusion that they are all same?” 

“Oh, shut up James. Once I decide that I won’t date a woman, then I won’t.” 

“But just for a while.” 

“Well, I don’t know,” he fixed his brown eyes right with James’ blue ones then grinning. “I’m done mate, shall we go? It’s getting dark outside.” 

**

James had started the engine and the Daytona purred softly beneath his touch. Warming it’s own petrol like a shivering puppy under the light-rain it carried it’s owner and his colleague passing through the cold evening right to the hamster’s house. 

The street lamps had been turned on indicated that the day had passed, and so did the rain. That light-pouring rain had been stopped just a few miles after James and Richard hit the tarmark from that pub. Made it more easy for James to watch the road from his helmet’s glasses, but worse for Richard who trying so hard for not freezing right behind James. 

The temperature had been down a few degree, and Richard’s jacket was not too tick to covered his small body. He mentally cursed when a single drop from the late rain travelling through his spine. But then, somehow he had discovered that the only way to made him a little warm was getting close to James. And so he did. 

“’S warm...,” Richard stiff closer as he gripped tight that man’s jacket. Not even remember that he could be heard by James via that little microphone on his helmet. What made him realize was a vague laugh of James’ voice near his ears before that soldier saying something. 

“Don’t you remember that I can hear you Hammond?” he didn’t got any answer which made him assume that the little man was just blushing under his question. 

A clear throat, “Sorry,” he said, “But it’s really cold I feel. Stupid ideas ever using a motorbike for this journey.” 

James laughed, “I can slowed down a bit if you –“

“No, it’s okay mate, just please take me home.” 

“As you please, sir.” 

That made Richard rolled his eyes, “You’re not Mark,” he said and got another laughed from James. 

Of course it was not James’ idea for using a motorbike for this long journey, it’s Richard’s. Though James had told him that there’s a big chance to rain this evening, Richard kept insisted to take a ride instead of drive. But not for James knew, it was because he had missed the time when the two of them still could ride together to nowhere to spent their free time. Happy for Richard, after a little argument they had, James gave up and agreed with him. 

The Daytona went faster as Richard tightened his embrace. Though he couldn’t see how much the speedo it had, he could felt by James arms that this soldier had trying to maxed his white motorbike hard. In case they could reach home faster. And now, the only thing that made him shivering was not because of the cold anymore. More to the safety. 

He opened his mouth to told James for slowed down a bit, but he closed it again. Richard had known James not for a long time, that’s the fact. But somehow, he could understand James more easily than he could understand Jeremy who basically, was his childhood friend. And that made sense why he could understand the reason why James, who usually brought the safety first, rode like a lunatic on a slippery road in the evening with him as passenger. 

He was tired. 

And he didn’t want to break James’ wall of patient by disturb him. 

Minutes had passed and no one said nothing on the road, but sometimes James called Richard’s name to made sure that the hamster was still right there. _‘I thought you were sleep’_ was what he said almost at every moment Richard answered his call. A moment later the sight of Richard’s house could be seen from their place. Made the owner of that house released his grip to check his watch. 

They were about twenty minutes faster than usual. He was really that tired then. 

James had parked his motor right in front of that house’s gate. And after Richard jumped down and made sure that was nothing he left behind, James politely refused his mate’s invitation to spent some times in his house and drove away back to his own house. 

Spent the entire night with snoring on his bed. 

# # #

“So, how’s that day?” 

“Nothing special,” said James from afar, who walked to Jeremy with beer on both of his hand then sat just right in front of him. “Just business, and nothing else. Well, thanks Lord I came with him or he would screw everything up.” 

Jeremy laughed, “That was a week ago James. What I mean is two days ago.” His eyes met with James’ then he smug, “Tell me mate, what was his answer?” 

# # #

James woke up when his mobile vibrated. Still seven in the morning and someone had already need him. With a single groan that soldier reach out his hand grabbing that phone and glanced the caller ID with his blurred eyes. 

It was Mark. 

Got a little wonder, James picked him up asking with his hoarse voice. 

_“James, sorry to waking you up.”_

“It’s okay mate, is there something wrong?” 

_“No, actually, everything is perfect. I just want to say thanks you had helped him that day.”_

“It’s alright, beside I could had a free holiday with that.” They laughed and James moved to sat position, “How you doing?” 

_“Better, thanks for asking.”_ Then suddenly, there was a single shout from behind as Mark finished his sentences, calling his name and asking who the one he was talking with. 

Made James just still at there waiting for Mark as that man covered the phone to answered the caller. But then he could heard a noises and the voice from the other ends replaced by someone he knew very much. 

_“James,”_ it was Richard, _“Mate, hi, it’s good to hear your voice.”_

“Oh really, Hammond? We just met like, what?, five days ago?, and you already missed me?” 

_“Oh come on mate, you ruined the mood. What are you doing?”_

“Nothing, just being raised from the coma,” he heard Richard laughed, “So, anything you want to say?” 

_“Well, um, honestly, I’m going to called you this noon to ask if you have time this evening.”_

“You sound like you are proposing a date with me, dinner?” 

_“Yeah, well, I’ve tried a new recipe and I want you to taste it. You don’t mind, do you?”_

“I’ll come around seven then.” 

_“Thanks mate, I’ll be waiting for you.”_

That was the end of their conversation and James chose to walked in the bathroom. Spent the entire day in his house and garage wait for the time gone by until this evening. 

Not even knew that something big had gonna happen. 

James was sat in front of his laptop chatting with his friends on field when Jeremy phone him. Just a random phone call from the doctor when he got boring in the hospital. Back then it was an old friend who called him this morning to said thanks, and now a literally ‘old friend’ had calling him to God-know-what he would said. 

At first Jeremy just brought a random topic from Francie to Lily then about his patients. He never say about Richard until James asked him about an invitation he just had some hours ago. And surprise for both of them, the owner of that vineyard didn’t told Jeremy a single thing about that. 

“What do you mean he didn’t told you?” 

_“Well, there’s no phone call from that hamster to me and, I believe, if he phone Francie, she would had told me about that. But, nothing.”_

“So it’s just me?” 

_“If I were you, May, I would be happy with that.”_ James groaned, _“What? Come on, James, you loves him and he loves you back.”_

“He isn’t.” 

_“The dinner?”_

“He just need me to tried his new cook. Nothing else.” 

_“For God’s sake, James, that’s just an excuse! Believe me you’re gonna got a laid tonight.”_

“God! Clarkson! Watch your mouth!” James cleared his throat and took a deep breath, “Richard is a straight men, he had date a woman –“

 _“And so as you.”_

“Listen, please. I don’t want to see Hammond in that way, he is a man, a friend of mine –“

 _“Until when?”_

“What?” 

_“Until when you will call him Hammond instead of Richard?”_ No answer, _“Let me guess. You do that to remind you that Richard is a member of Hammond’s family right? To keep you alert that he is not a member of May’s family, ever. That’s what you think, right James?”_

A paused, “You have my answer. Listen, Clarkson – ” 

_“No, you listen to me. I’m not gonna push you to do what I did to get Francie that time, I’m just, hope, you will understood your own feeling to him and clear off the mess tonight.”_

“I can’t.” 

_“Just, try James,”_ and with that Jeremy said goodbye and closed his phone. 

Leaving James with his complicated mind sat in his father’s work room stared blankly at his laptop’s screen. “I can’t,” he said. 

**

The time had come and James had already in his Panda driving through the evening right to Richard’s house. He chose to ignoring Jeremy’s words on his journey, distracted it with listened some instrumental music from his player or just glanced over the window to watched the cloudy dark evening sky. 

Richard stood in front of his door as James reach that hamster’s house. He grinning and half running approaching James to opened the gate and welcomed his mate with a little hug before guided him to his kitchen. 

“I found it from my mother’s book of recipe. Found out it was one of my favorite, I tried to made one.” He pull a chair for James then sat on his own, “Not my first, so I’m promised I had improved the taste.” 

James smiled and said thanks before took a single bite. He went silent for a moment then watched his mate surprised but satisfied, “It’s great Hammond.” 

“Thanks, I’m glad you like it.” They then spent the rest of the dinner with talking about everything. 

It was James who stood beside Richard when they did the sink after the meal. He washed and Richard dried it. The hamster kept talking while his hand working not even notice that James’ mind had already wandered far from his own body. When his brain called back Jeremy’s word from their conversation this morning, James couldn’t help from remembering every single thing Richard had done to him. And as far as he could remember, almost all of them were indicated that the little hamster was really had a feeling to him. 

Was he? 

His mind back to the body when Richard walked away to placed the plates back to it’s rack. His heart pounding when he weighing the word whether he would said it or not. 

A clear throat was the beginning, “Richard, there’s something I want to tell you.” He could see the brown head body freeze a second before turned around to watched him surprised. 

“You never called my name before.” 

“It’s because of something I want you to hear.” 

“O, okay,” slowly, Richard walked closer to James until they were just three or four-foot apart, “Tell me then.” 

James cleared his throat again, “Well, um, I don’t know how to say this to you, but –“ a clear throat again and his mind cursing from his nervousness, “Please don’t asked me why this was you or since when it begin or anything like that ‘cause –“ James took a deep breath. 

“Because...?” 

“Because I don’t know the answer.” He smiled weakly at Richard before continuing his sentences, “The only one I know is: I think – no, I feel, that I’m in love with you.” 

A silent. There was no answer from Richard and the little man just stood at there eyeing James with his brown eyes. 

“Rich –“

“I’m sorry.” 

James blinked once at him, and Richard had repeated his sorry again. They stood like that for another seconds before James laughed softly, “No, it’s okay. I must be the one who saying sorry in here for scaring you like this.” No answer from Richard. The shorten man just standing still in front of him avoiding eye contact. After another moment of silent again, James sighing and stepped backwards, “I’m sorry for saying those words without thinking about your feeling. In fact I already know how this things would turn out.” 

That made Richard snapped his head up to watched James. Brown met blue. 

A smile formed on James’ face, bitter but warm, “I’m sorry for..., wasting your time, just, please, forget it, okay? Pretend this was never happen and we could still remain friend.” He saw Richard immediately looked away somehow became interested with his own legs, made him raised his eyebrow mentally saying _‘oh...’_ out loud. “I know, it’s disgusting right? Man love man. And it could be worse that your own friend is one of that member of people.” 

“No, James! That’s not the reason, I’m just, I, erm...,” Richard bit his lips, not knowing what to answered him. 

“Say it Richard. I’ll take whatever you want to told me.” 

Richard raised his head again more slowly this time, watching James with his big round eyes questioning, “Why you so kind to me?” 

“You already know my answer.” 

He shook his head lightly, “But, I’m sorry James.” 

“It’s okay.” 

“No, it’s not.” 

A tired sigh slipped out from James’ lips, “Though you’re not love me, Rich, having you as a friend is enough for me.” James took another step backwards, still with his warm yet bitter smiled he said, “I hope I didn’t ruined our friendship. Once again, I’m sorry for wasting your time, or scaring you. Please forget it. Bye Hammond, thanks for the dinner.” 

As that _‘Hammond’_ word escaped from James’ lips, somehow Richard could felt that this was the end. He could felt James’ giving up and his unsaid promised to buried his feeling to him. Back to friend and brother bussiness like the old days. 

He was about to called James back but no sound could be formed. It was because of his own doubtless about his own feeling to James. 

_James loved me, this far,_ he thought, _and I hurt him, so soon_. 

A closed-door from afar made Richard realized that he had shut the door of opportunity. 

# # #

“He what?” 

James gulped his brown beer, “You are not deaf Clarkson. He refused me.” 

“But, how could that be possible?” 

“Well, it prove the he isn’t see me as the way we see him.” 

“No, I’m not. I never see him in that way. It’s just you I presume.” 

“But I suspect, Jeremy, from he way you accept this condition, until how hard-headed you pushed me to confess at Hammond, I believe that you see him as the way I see him.” 

“I’m not see him in that way, I swear,” he watched James rolled his eyes, “But, honestly, I never saw him as a man, ever. For me, he was still a spoiled little brat. Well, until I saw you met him, my thought about him move from that thing into a teenage girl who had met their man of dream.” 

“You overreached it.” 

“No, I’m not. I’m telling you the truth.” Jeremy took another sip, “So, what happen to him after that?” 

“I don’t know, he never contact me again until now, and I have no right to contact him either.” James raised his beer and gazed it daydreaming, “I just hoping I didn’t ruined our friendship, that’s all,” he said then drank it out. 

They waved goodbye not long after that because the weather had changed from shiny-bright into cloudy and windy. Jeremy joked it with saying that the weather was just like James’ mood right now. 

That soldier then had reach home just before the rain started to pouring. He placed the key then sat beside the fireplace, eyes on the sky. 

**

Just some minutes before the heavy rain had started, Richard had climbed on his motorbike and started the engine. As usual, he said thanks to Mark for his job this day and left the vineyard to reach home. 

It’s been two days after James confessed to him and his mind couldn’t stop from remembering that scene. He felt guilty from rejecting James, but he himself still not sure about his own feeling to that man. He chose to refuse because he didn’t want James to suffering from their relationship if Richard was not that in love with him. 

He was in the middle of the trip when the first rain started to fall. Thankfully though, he had reach his house some minutes later. 

Richard jumped from that Hayabusa and began to looking for his keys. Soaking from the rain and shivering from the cold, the hamster cursing when he realized he had left it on top of his table in the office. He sighed hard, kicked the gate and stood beside his motorbike in annoyed. 

There was two option he could make at this time. Took a shelter in his neighbor’s house, or ride back to his vineyard to get his keys. But none of them he fancy to did. The thunder crashed as Richard folded his arms hugged his own body to made him warm. He then reach out his mobile to made a once call to avoid being struck by the lightning. His mind told him to called Mark so he could prepare the guest room on his vine for him and spent the night at there. But his heart begging him to phone James so he could sleep over at his mate’s house. At least, the second opinion lead him into a better and more comfortable place than the guest room he had on his vineyard. 

But he had hurt James feeling. Could it be possible the soldier would welcome him? But he need James’ precence right now. Really did. 


End file.
